Bachelor Pad Recap: Sex, Fug And Rocky Road

By Michael Slezak

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photo1 Most Unfortunate Word Choice to Describe One's Fear of Becoming a Bachelor Pad Singleton: "Like, if he left, I would be a floater, and I'd probably be the next to go," said Jaclyn, after Ed threatened to quit the game.

Most Unfortunate Word Choice to Describe One's Fear of Becoming a Bachelor Pad Singleton: "Like, if he left, I would be a floater, and I'd probably be the next to go," said Jaclyn, after Ed threatened to quit the game.

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photo_1b These Are Actual Human Beings! (Part 1): Slathered in ice-cream foam and climbing a ladder that looked like it was partially made out of raw bacon, the ladies began the challenge.

These Are Actual Human Beings! (Part 1): Slathered in ice-cream foam and climbing a ladder that looked like it was partially made out of raw bacon, the ladies began the challenge.

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photo_2 These Are Actual Human Beings! (Part 2): They continued onward, dripping ice-cream foam and sliding down a chocolate-covered ramp.

These Are Actual Human Beings! (Part 2): They continued onward, dripping ice-cream foam and sliding down a chocolate-covered ramp.

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photo_3 I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream: "Oh ice cream, would you look what they've done to you!" (Nope, no sympathy for Jaclyn, who could've walked away from the challenge if she had any dignity left to value.)

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream: "Oh ice cream, would you look what they've done to you!" (Nope, no sympathy for Jaclyn, who could've walked away from the challenge if she had any dignity left to value.)

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photo_1 He'd Have Done Better If They'd Replaced the Chocolate With Gin and Women: Not judging, just stating facts here, as Ed brings up the rear in the challenge.

He'd Have Done Better If They'd Replaced the Chocolate With Gin and Women: Not judging, just stating facts here, as Ed brings up the rear in the challenge.

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photo_4 Phrase No Straight Dude Would Utter (Unless Prompted by Bachelor Pad Producers: "It's my turn to get into the nut sack," David recounted in the confessional.

Phrase No Straight Dude Would Utter (Unless Prompted by Bachelor Pad Producers: "It's my turn to get into the nut sack," David recounted in the confessional.

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photo_2 copy The "Somebody's Had Very Limited Life Experience" Prize: "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me," said Ed, collapsing in a heap during Hot Sludge Fundae challenge. I mean, dude was covered in hot fudge. How awful could it have really been?

The "Somebody's Had Very Limited Life Experience" Prize: "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me," said Ed, collapsing in a heap during Hot Sludge Fundae challenge. I mean, dude was covered in hot fudge. How awful could it have really been?

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photo_4 copy The Marlin Perkins Prize for Best Candid Footage of Beasts in Their Natural Setting: Ed sloppily carrying Jaclyn like a 100-lb. sack of sugar on their way to a bedroom "encounter."

The Marlin Perkins Prize for Best Candid Footage of Beasts in Their Natural Setting: Ed sloppily carrying Jaclyn like a 100-lb. sack of sugar on their way to a bedroom "encounter."

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photo_5 Facial Expression That Best Mirrors My Own Feelings About the Ed-Jaclyn Hookup: Congrats, Sarah! (Can't you almost hear her slurring her disbelief?)

Facial Expression That Best Mirrors My Own Feelings About the Ed-Jaclyn Hookup: Congrats, Sarah! (Can't you almost hear her slurring her disbelief?)

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photo_1 Continuing the Wild Kingdom Theme: The cameras followed Ed and Jaclyn to their boudoir, right up until the moment she threw a duvet over the entire tragic situation, and we were left nothing but horrifying audio.

Continuing the Wild Kingdom Theme: The cameras followed Ed and Jaclyn to their boudoir, right up until the moment she threw a duvet over the entire tragic situation, and we were left nothing but horrifying audio.

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photo_3 copy Saddest Quote-Visual Combo (Nominee #1): "I'm so happy 'cause I didn't get a chance to go to my senior prom," said Jamie, arriving at a three-woman/one-man date featuring a sad vegetable platter, cardboard anchor decoration, and single ceremonial rose on a wooden tray.

Saddest Quote-Visual Combo (Nominee #1): "I'm so happy 'cause I didn't get a chance to go to my senior prom," said Jamie, arriving at a three-woman/one-man date featuring a sad vegetable platter, cardboard anchor decoration, and single ceremonial rose on a wooden tray.

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photo_2 Saddest Life Accomplishment: "Finally, someone chose me [to get a rose on a Bachelor group date]," said a delighted Jamie, after being selected by common "fan" David as his "prom queen." (Erica Rose still had the tiara, though.)

Saddest Life Accomplishment: "Finally, someone chose me [to get a rose on a Bachelor group date]," said a delighted Jamie, after being selected by common "fan" David as his "prom queen." (Erica Rose still had the tiara, though.)

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photo_2-2 Saddest Quote-Visual Combo (Nominee #2): "I just wanna fall in love on TV and show my kids and show all of America," said Jamie, moments before getting this two-word rejection from nasty himbo Chris.

Saddest Quote-Visual Combo (Nominee #2): "I just wanna fall in love on TV and show my kids and show all of America," said Jamie, moments before getting this two-word rejection from nasty himbo Chris.

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photo_3 Okay, ABC, That Is ENOUGH A sobbing Jamie -- further hindered by 20 lbs of false eyelashes -- then went on and wept that all she really wanted was a family with whom she could spend the holidays (!). And here I figured the network did psych screens before accepting contestants on Bachelor Pad.) SMDH.

Okay, ABC, That Is ENOUGH A sobbing Jamie — further hindered by 20 lbs of false eyelashes — then went on and wept that all she really wanted was a family with whom she could spend the holidays (!). And here I figured the network did psych screens before accepting contestants on Bachelor Pad.) SMDH.

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photo_4 Worst "Power Accessory": Reid did the bulk of his "mastermind" strategizing while wearing a child's floatie.

Worst "Power Accessory": Reid did the bulk of his "mastermind" strategizing while wearing a child's floatie.

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photo_2-1 Most Distracting Accessory (Part 1): Anyone else find themselves totally mesmerized during the Reid-Jaclyn confrontation by the massive bruise on Jaclyn's thigh?

Most Distracting Accessory (Part 1): Anyone else find themselves totally mesmerized during the Reid-Jaclyn confrontation by the massive bruise on Jaclyn's thigh?

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photo_3-1 Most Distracting Accessory (Part 2): Those blue fingernails!

Most Distracting Accessory (Part 2): Those blue fingernails!

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photo_1-1 Most Brutal Self-Assessment: "Everybody is getting action except me, and that's not usually how it goes down. No way! I can't leave the Bachelor Pad and not hook up with somebody. Like, that's crazy!" exclaimed Donna, moments before making out with that guy whose name I can never remember.

Most Brutal Self-Assessment: "Everybody is getting action except me, and that's not usually how it goes down. No way! I can't leave the Bachelor Pad and not hook up with somebody. Like, that's crazy!" exclaimed Donna, moments before making out with that guy whose name I can never remember.

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photo_4-1 The "Chin Up, Girl! With an Attitude Like That, You'll Surely Have a Second Chance at Reality TV Fame!" Award: "When I'm not around in my bikini, they're gonna be pissed," said a wistful Donna, exiting the Bachelor Pad in the Limo of Shame (TM).

The "Chin Up, Girl! With an Attitude Like That, You'll Surely Have a Second Chance at Reality TV Fame!" Award: "When I'm not around in my bikini, they're gonna be pissed," said a wistful Donna, exiting the Bachelor Pad in the Limo of Shame (TM).

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