Quotes Of The Week For May 20, 2018

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Jake and Amy are getting married tonight! Title of my sex tape!"

"What?"

Charles (Joe Lo Truglio) gets way too excited about seeing his best friends tie the knot

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE (Bonus Quote!)

"I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding, as well."

"What?"

"Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors."

[Sniffles] "I love you so much. You're my dream girl."

Amy (Melissa Fumero) brings Jake (Andy Samberg) to tears with her wedding vows

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"A video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump asked him to clarify the difference between HIV and HPV on two occasions. Said Gates, 'It's like Don Jr. and Eric. You don't want either, but you'd definitely take one over the other.'"

KILLING EVE

"You hit me with a log?! YOU HIT ME WITH A LOG!"

Villanelle (Jodie Comer) is more wounded by Konstantin's choice of weapon than the actual blow

THE AMERICANS

"I was hoping to make it home for dinner, but things are very topsy-turvy at the office."

Philip (Matthew Rhys) sounds like he's just checking in with Elizabeth, but really, he's telling her in code that the jig is up and it's time to run

RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

"A bitch can't even get a second chance around here without some salty-ass ho trying to make it about her."

Asia O'Hara is tired of Aquaria's selfish antics — and aren't we all?

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS (Bonus Quote!)

"CNN reported today that eight women are accusing Morgan Freeman of inappropriate behavior. Not only that, but 600,000 penguins."

FULL FRONTAL WITH SAMANTHA BEE

"Trump is the spokesman [for birth control]. If Trump hasn't paid for at least a half-dozen abortions, I will eat this blazer. Actually, I take that back... If Trump hasn't promised to pay for at least a half-dozen abortions, then not paid for them, then written bad checks for them, ghosted those women, then declared bankruptcy and eventually made Russia pay for them, I will eat this blazer."

THE MIDDLE

"This is why I didn't want to sit in the middle. [Whispers] The middle!"

Brick (Atticus Shaffer) caps the long-running family sitcom with a very meta quirk

ROSEANNE

"We're very different people. I'm kind of an introvert, and, um, I want to get the words right here... You're an alcoholic tramp."

"Why do we have to be hurtful? All I'm trying to say is that you're not an appealing person."

Darlene (Sara Gilbert) and Becky (Lecy Goranson) have one of their classic heart-to-hearts

BROCKMIRE

"Dale died."

"What? Get outta here! How'd he die? He was so young."

"Meth fire."

"You know, I told him, I said, 'You can cook meth as a hobby, or you can siphon gasoline. You cannot do both.'"

Jules (Amanda Peet) gives Jim (Hank Azaria) the bad news about a former Frackers game frequenter

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Before Gaddafi was dragged through the streets and killed, his enemies sodomized him with a bayonet. And let's agree, that is the worst way to die, right after being in a porta-potty when Beyoncé walks in on you and you're not wearing pants, and you're so embarrassed that you slam the door on her, and the force of the slam knocks the porta-potty over a cliff, and as you fall down, you hear Beyoncé yelling, 'You'll never do anything as funny as Carpool Karaoke!' And as you land upside-down, it hits you that suddenly the only one who can save you from drowning in your own feces is Dustin Hoffman, and the last words you hear are, 'Remember me, motherf—ker?' I... I assume that fear is universal."

THE FLASH (Bonus Quote!)

"You have been... and always will be... my friend."

"Khan."

[Iris to Barry] "Star Wars."

Iris (Candice Patton) is just a bit off Trek in appreciating the "reunion" between Harry (Tom Cavanagh) and Cisco (Carlos Valdes)

THE FLASH

"Barry, what do you see?"

"It's empty."

"A little help for the viewers at home — what do you mean 'empty'?"

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) requires a better description of Barry's Inception-like visit to DeVoe's mind