Quotes Of The Week For May 24, 2015

"Today feels a little bittersweet now that somebody's missing from television that we'd all grown so close to and had so much love for: And I think that I speak for everyone when I say, we're really gonna miss you, Bachelorette No. 2."

Fallon gets cheeky the day after Letterman's retirement

"Adam Levine — is that my accountant?"

"Cher" (as imagined by Christina Aguilera in a "coaches audition" spoof), is clearly not a Maroon 5 fan

"I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get the Tonight Show."

Dave jokes about his one-time dream gig at NBC during his last CBS broadcast

"Top 10 famous last words: I'll give you the last words, you see if you know who they are... 'I'm bored with it all.'"

"Jay Leno?"

Paul Shaffer gets in a dig at David Letterman's former time slot rival

"We had to hire a podiatrist to get his foot out of his mouth."

Host Tom Bergeron, after revisiting Bruno Tonioli's appalling comment to Charlotte McKinney that she'll "never win the Nobel Prize for quantum physics"

"Is North Carolina about to be blown off the map?"

"Yeah, six hours 'til Flying Cow Time. This is a potential tragedy that could be great for you."

Ben (Kevin Dunn) knows how to get Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) excited for a natural disaster

"There's only one drinking fountain, and we all must stand in the same line."

Professional "healer" Tony, getting philosophical about the competition for Kaitlyn Bristowe's heart

"Ah yes, the famously tart tongue of the Queen of Thorns."

"And the famous tart, Queen Cersei."

Cersei (Lena Headey) and Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg) exchange barbs

"Because every time I'm face-to-face with you, I want to strangle you. And then I miss you when I go away. And then I miss you and I call you on the phone and I get the person I want to talk to."

"That's not true."

"Yeah, well, I don't what it is, but when I'm standing in front of you, I bring out something terrible. I think about how you came into my life and how you drove me crazy. And now... I don't even know what to do with myself because all I want to do is be with you."

Stan (Jay R. Ferguson) FINALLY reveals his feelings to Peggy (Elisabeth Moss)

"Harold won the horseshoe tournament for the second year in a row, and I think that's something to brag about."

"That... certainly is."

"Do you play horseshoes, Ethan?"

"You know, it's funny — I never did play horseshoes."

Kate (Carla Gugino) reveals to Ethan (Matt Dillon) just how small the smalltalk in Wayward Pines can get

"Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves."

"Calling me the devil? How original."

"Actually I was calling you a goat. You goat."

Holt (Andre Braugher) gets in the ultimate burn on archenemy Wuntch (Kyra Sedgwick)

"Who cares about a kiss? Call me if you grab each other's asses."

Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) has no time for Jake and Amy's will-they/won't-they shenanigans

"Blonde pretty boy who looks like he's straight out of a Nicholas Sparks movie?"

The Candy Man's description of Major (Robert Buckley) is spot-on

"Who summons anymore? Couldn't you call?"

"You're not in my contacts list."

Crowley (Mark Sheppard) and Castiel (Misha Collins) are not phone buddies

"A cleaner Greendale is like a healthier cigarette!"

Not even Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) thinks much of a potentially cleaner Greendale

"I've won a Golden Globe, you've got to say it. You've got to say it."

"I won an Oscar. I'm not saying it."

Gwyneth Paltrow says non to the menage a trios twist in Stephen Merchant's script

"Ronnie, I love you, but this is a time machine, not a bookcase from Ikea."

Cisco (Carlos Valdez) doubts Ronnie's (Robbie Amell) brawn will help repair a time machine

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy fan Cisco (Carlos Valdez) isn't thrilled with the idea of Barry going back in time and potentially destroying the present

"Big, Carrie? Big?! You're better than that, Carrie! If anything, you should've ended up with Aidan. Yes, yes Aidan was boring, Carrie, but guess what? So were you!"

When it comes to Sex and the City, John Oliver is #TeamCadan

"It was never Beth I loved."

Paul's (Dylan Bruce) last words to Sarah (Tatiana Maslany)