Quotes Of The Week For April 19, 2015

"I put on a parka, I put on a ski cap, and I change gender immediately. 'Excuse me, son, do you want to get up and give this lady a seat?' I'm like, 'I'm a girl! For the last time, I'm a girl, OK?'"

Kelly has reasons to celebrate the arrival of spring

"Madam President, there will be a way to do both of these things: Cuts and spending."

"I know. You absolutely can do two contradictory things at once. For example, I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home. And it's actually better for her if I don't visit."

Ben (Kevin Dunn) and Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) discuss the perils of Washington, D.C. (and aging parents)

"The only unthinkable thing is that anything's unthinkable."

"Kent majored in fortune cookies!"

Ben (Kevin Dunn) responds to Kent's (Gary Cole) generic turn-of-phrase

"This is an awkward thing to watch!"

Jeff Probst, reacting to Dan and Will's awesomely ungainly attempt to win a challenge

"Did you know dental floss works great on stitches? I only passed out twice, and I'm pretty sure my wound is now minty fresh."

Charlie (Felicia Day) improvises while on the run from bad guys

"I've had their pain... Now give me yours...."

"Come on — I've got plenty to share."

May (Ming-Na Wen) has got what evil Eva wants

"Tony, the agency is just trying to appeal to a younger, more technologically savvy pool of recruits."

"I'm savvy like Jack Sparrow, baby."

"Tony — you still have an AOL account."

McGee (Sean Murray) and Bishop (Emily Wickersham) shoot down Tony's (Michael Weatherly) bid to be "the face of NCIS"

"Goddamn Raylan, your timing sucks!"

Boyd's (Walton Goggins) heart-to-heart with Ava is interrupted by a certain lawman

"So much for the kale salad I got [Willa]...."

"Calcium is very important for young bones."

"Yeah — that's why I give her kale. Jerk."

Winona (Natalie Zea) proves that maybe we don't all scream for ice cream

"Cuba: Florida's tear stain tattoo!"

John Oliver: making geography more fun since April 2014

"Where are all my magazines?"

"Oh, you mean the dirty magazines?"

"Yes. Where are those?"

"They're in the garage in a box labeled 'molested girls.'"

Carol (Kristen Schaal) has no respect for Phil's (Will Forte) "reading materials"

"Xiomara did tell me she was pregnant. And I told her that she should get an abortion. And also a perm. But the abortion was the way worse part."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) reveals his past mistakes to his mom

"I'm not well-suited for work."

"I think you are. You have your father's instincts for politics, and you have compassion."

"Compassion, yes. I killed my lover with my bare hands. I shot my own father with a crossbow."

"I never said you were perfect."

Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) isn't afraid to admit his flaws... and Varys (Conleth Hill) isn't afraid to confirm them

"Of everyone here, who would you eat first?"

"I think first I'd ask if someone could spare an apple. Or half a sandwich."

Zombie Liv (Rose McIver) plays a game with her friend/boss Ravi (Rahul Kohli)

"I have a good feeling about him."

"And where exactly is this feeling originating from?"

Ravi (Rahul Kohli) questions Liv (Rose McIver) about her new zombie crush

"Awesome! A road trip! I love being super pumped for 15 minutes, then bored out of my mind for eight hours!"

Peter's (Seth MacFarlane) excitement about Joe's planned group trip feels... less than genuine

"You two dated?"

"This was a study group?"

"Yeah. Chang was our teacher."

"What?!"

"That's right, and frankly [I] haven't been well utilized since!"

Frankie (Paget Brewster), Elroy (Keith David), Abed (Danny Pudi) and Chang (Ken Jeong) reflect on Community's history

"You look like you're gonna cry."

"If that's a pickup line, it's a bad one."

Norma (Vera Farmiga), playing hard to get with a handsome stranger (Wilson Bethel)

"I told you to never come where I am!"

Erica (Hayley Orrantia) does not react well when her brother Barry shows up at her place of work

"Me and Evan are in the play!"

"You are? Why? You're not going to become actors. You think they're going to put two Chinese boys on TV? Maybe if there's a nerdy friend, or a magical thing where someone wanders into a Chinatown, but no."

While crushing Emery's (Forrest Wheeler) career dreams, Jessica (Constance Wu) gets meta about the state of diversity on TV

"You know why I joined the FBI? Probably the same reason as you."

"To get chicks?"

Ryan (Kevin Bacon) jokes with his lesbian boss Mendez (Valerie Cruz) about their law enforcement inspiration

"Thank you, but I can't quite seem to keep it up."

"He means the suit."

"Yeah, I mean the suit."

"Yeah, I can attest that everything else works just fine. There's nothing we need to fix in that area."

"No, no, the sex is great."

"God, there's two of them."

Ray (Brandon Routh) and Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) babble/overshare — much to Caitlin's (Danielle Panabaker) horror/amazement

"It's kind of like I'm dating Barry, but in Oliver's body. A sentence you'll never repeat to anyone."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) perhaps says too much when describing her boyfriend Ray (Brandon Routh)

"It's Delphine. God, she looks good."

Felix (Jordan Gavaris) approves of Delphine's cooler, meaner Dyad makeover

"Cosima's temperature is down to normal, by the way. She's actually got a bit of color in her cheeks."

"And Helena?"

"Helena's an albino."

Felix (Jordan Gavaris) misinterprets Sarah's (Tatiana Maslany) question about Helena's whereabouts

"The only good thing that came out of this is that I'm bringing sexy back."

"Mom's gonna know."

"She'll never know! I'm only wearing this with Shawn."

Riley's (Rowan Blanchard) is certain Topanga will discover Cory's (Ben Savage) $1,200 clothing purchase even if intended for Shawn's eyes only

‎"It's not you. It's me."

With the understatement of the year, Jason Lennon aka sadistic serial killer The Ogre (Milo Ventimiglia)‎ "ends" things with his latest honey