Quotes Of The Week For April 26, 2015

"Is there anything you can do to delay it?"

"You can try, but it only makes it worse, like those Real Housewives. They try to look young, but then they end up looking like a purse that melted in a car accident."

"Yeah. They look like when a kid draws a face on its hand."

Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Tina Fey show no mercy as they answer Amy Schumer's question about tryin to remain sexually desirable

"You got a cyborg on board with rockets in his arm."

"He's not a cyborg. He's a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. With... rockets in his arm."

Coulson (Clark Gregg) "shoots down" Ward's disapproving intimation about their specially abled asset

"There's a bug."

"Yes, best be careful. You might accidentally consume some solid food."

Lord Varys (Conleth Hill) chides Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) for caring about the insect swimming in his umpteenth goblet of wine

"I would have thought you'd consider the body a constant source of pain and temptation to hell, like your husband."

"My husband is entirely correct. Life with him has been both a pain and a constant temptation to hell. But I'm not convinced God intended it so."

Samuel (Stuart Townsend) and Mary (Janet Montgomery), flirting after she reassures doomed Isaac the Fornicator that he isn't damned

"Every kiss before the right kiss doesn't count, anyway. I've kissed a lot of women. The first time I kissed my wife... She wasn't my wife then, she was just this girl in a bar. But when we kissed, it was like... I gotta tell you, it was like I never kissed any other woman before. It was like the first kiss... the right kiss."

"Do you have a brother?"

Derek (Patrick Dempsey), making an impression on a car accident victim (Che Landon) – and reminding us one last time what makes him so damn McDreamy

"It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Derek (Patrick Dempsey), playing the hero only hours before his own demise

"The universe is trying to tell us something we both should already know. We're stronger together than apart."

Duh, Winchesters!

"Excuse me. Do you know what this badge means?"

"...That you got D's in high school?"

Happy (Jadyn Wong) doesn't exactly know the protocol for talking to a cop

"Get some sleep, my bros! I'll set the meeting, and then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you."

"Are you trying to say 'bros before hos'?"

"It's sexist, but it's about friendship."

Jared (Zach Woods) is just so adorably eager... even if Erlich (T.J. Miller) doesn't think so

"You go to jail if a cop doesn't like you. They can't send you to prison without knowing you're poor."

Britta (Gillian Jacobs) breaks down the difference between jail and prison

"How many alumni have responded?"

"Not many, but I think our current students will show up for the degree raffle."

Frankie (Paget Brewster) checks in with Annie (Alison Brie) regarding school dance RSVPs

"I'm glad we live in a society now where we're more accepting of a lot of things — except we as black people still do get followed in Nieman-Marcus. I mean, isn't that funny, we're accepting of so much in this society, but we just can't accept a black person shopping at one o'clock in the afternoon without having security follow us around like we're stealing?"

Wendy expresses her happiness about Bruce Jenner's children reportedly accepting their father coming out as transgender — while throwing out another area where the world could use an extra dose of open-mindedness

"Must. Have. Donuts. Great, I ate Homer Simpson's brain."

Liv (Rose McIver) after eating the noggin of a 300-poound agoraphob

"Ted told me I have to fill out my own performance review."

"I guess he respects your opinion."

"I'm tired of this...."

"I'd start with that."

Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) feels put upon — and Don (Jon Hamm), per usual, isn't having any of it

"I love me some collard greens, girl!"

"Yeah, but they're made out of kale. I call them 'kale-ard greens.' Stoo-pid full of iron. Stoo-pid."

Rainbow (Tracee Ellis Ross) labors to be urban enough for Dre's new client (guest star Michael Rapaport)

‎"I thought we could ask [Hannibal's grandmother] a few questions...."

"Like why anyone in their family thought that naming a kid 'Hannibal' wouldn't me‎an he'd grow up to be a criminal?"

Eddie (Rick Cosnett) and Barry (Grant Gustin) reckon the latest metahuman would love to shapeshift his name

"Maybe we should be looking for a metahuman."

"Yeah."

"One that can control people's minds [and] coerce them into becoming thieves. Is that possible?"

"Is that a real question?"

Eddie (Rick Cosnett) asks Barry (Grant Gustin) a stupid question, gets a sarcastic answer

"It's about a computer genius, so naturally it stars Keanu Reeves..."

Danny (Chris D'Elia) describes The Matrix for Candace (Brigit Mendler)

"Castle, why would you be abducted on your wedding day and end up in Thailand?"

"Worst bachelor party ever?"

Then again, this investigation did involve a strip club....

"I don't like to use the term 'triple threat,' because it suggests I'm limited to only three skills."

Rogelio (Jaime Camil) is nothing if not multitalented

"I like all of it! Melrose Place! Rollerblading! Mac and cheese — it's so easy to make. You just add water. It's cheese from water."

Jessica (Constance Wu) finds herself falling for American culture

"At peace with Israel, at war with the Native Americans. You know what I am? I'm like the opposite of Mel Gibson."

Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) compares Washington and Hollywood politics

"What gave me away? I'm not handsome enough, is that it??"

"Perfect — insecure and superficial. That's a great start."

Cam's (Eric Stonestreet) ringer for a "gay" bowling league, Jay (Ed O'Neill), is encouraged to "flounce it up"

"Today I'm on the Today Show/ You asked me to flow, so/ I'm gonna go real slow, though/ I'm standin'/Next to Tamryn/ Askin' Al what's the weather/ Do I need a sweater?/ Tryin' to dress dapperly/ Like my girl Natalie/ Where's that beat box, Willie?/ Where that beat box, Willie?!"

Gina Rodriguez name-checks every host at the table — and calls out Will Geist for failure to provide percussion — while showing off her freestyle rap skills

"The joy of getting lost in a good book isn't the same. Not after it happens to you literally."

The Author (Patrick Fischler) can't put an unfortunate "chapter" of his life behind him

"I'd prefer somewhere loud."

"Loud? Why?"

"I live in an attic...."

Cruella (Victoria Smurfit) is ready to go out out with Isaac

"I can beat her, Donnie. I can beat her like a French meringue."

Alison (Tatiana Maslany) sizes up the competition for school trustee

"I met your brother. He's ugly."

Helena (Tatiana Maslany) taunts male clone Miller (Ari Millen)