Quotes Of The Week For May 10, 2015

"I got a nuke at my foot.... If we don't die, which is a big if, I'm going to be microwaving eggs with my finger."

Anxious Danny (Scott Caan) is going a bit nuclear about his and Steve's other "passenger"

ONCE UPON A TIME

"You've always been a favorite of mine. Very clear goals plus a totally damaged personality, with a self-destructive streak? A recipe for compelling. Of all the characters I've written for, you really do get screwed over the most"

"I'm well aware."

The Author (Patrick Fischler) is delighted to pen a new tale for the onetime Evil Queen (Lana Parrilla)

"I got a brother. He's not gay or nothin', but we got our issues. And yet still, I was the best man at he and his life-long roommate Gustavo's health-insurance consolidation party last summer on Fire Island."

We repeat: Charlie's (Deon Cole) brother is not gay

"I myself am an avid supporter of gay rights — ever since the big fella kissed the ginger on Modern Family."

"So for three years."

"Give or take. Before that I had some unspeakable bumper stickers on my car."

Mr. Stevens (Peter Mackenzie) proves he's open-minded-ish

"I'm sure [Amy's] busy tonight. Taxes are due in eight months."

"Actually, they were due two weeks ago."

"Well, that's a horrible surprise."

Det. Majors (Garret Dillahunt) inadvertently alerts Peralta (Andy Samberg) that he missed Tax Day

"I'm not afraid of anything... except acne and leprechauns."

Just don't say Rogelio De La Vega (Jaime Camil) is afraid of heights

"What will you do when you're not president?"

"Well, I was thinking, you and me... we could play some dominoes together."

"Dominoes? Alright!"

"You know, we can go to the local Starbucks, swap stories..."

The next great bromance is officially upon us

"Can't stay. Gotta date!"

"What time does she log on?"

Ben (Ryan Phillipe) has his doubts about Dave's (Dan Fogler) alleged date

"Amy's mad at me and I'm not clear why."

"Ok. Were you talking before she got upset?"

"Yes!"

"That's probably it."

Sheldon's (Jim Parsons) got problems, Penny's (Kaley Cuoco) got answers

"Maybe Raj was right. Maybe it's time we tell [Stuart] he needs to move out."

"We should've done it months ago."

"I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays and then he was sick..."

"Ugh, yeah right, 'sick.' Look, he didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that!"

Howard (Simon Helberg) and Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) contemplate the best time to approach Stuart about moving out

"One time [Martha's] line was, 'Come on, baby, I'll make it worth your while'.... Most awkward parent/teacher conference ever."

Rick (Nathan Fillion) explains his actress-mother's habit of repeating her first line of a new play over and over and over...

"Never go to New Jersey on business!"

Assassin White Gold (Courtney Love) fatally stabs Ben, then belatedly warns him to steer clear of the Garden State

"What's your name?"

"Kalinda."

"Kalinda what?"

"Kalinda none of your business."

Nice try, dude — it takes more than that with Kalinda (Archie Panjabi)

"I'm sorry. I forgot the flag."

"That's too bad. I would have told you where you could put it."

Laurel (Katie Cassidy) gets snarky when Malcolm (John Barrowman) shows up, waving an imaginary white flag

"Well, I am better practiced in the art of deception. And no offense, none of you are particularly good actors."

Malcolm (John Barrowman) explaining why Oliver told him, but not Felicity, Diggle and Laurel, about his secret plan

"It tastes like a liquid John Mayer song."

The bro (Girls' Alex Karpovsky) in John Oliver's fake Bud Light ad gives an apt description of Bud Light

"Sweet mother, gross.... It's like Tinder for sociopaths."

Garcia (Kirsten Vangsness) sums up our feelings exactly about an auction site that sells young women to serial killers

"Grodd. Hate. Banana."

Joe's (Jesse L. Martin) offer to Grodd has little a-peel

"Mmm.... Alligators. C.H.U.D.s. R.O.U.S.es.... Am I the only one who watches movies around here?"

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) sometimes tires of being S.T.A.R. Labs' lone pop culture resource

"Their brains are missing. Every one of them."

"The Lannisters send their regards."

Ravi (Rahul Kohli) and Liv (Rose McIver) discover that his experiment to create a zombie rat worked — and it's hungry for the throne brains

"Well, I've got one-and-a-half clips, a Metrocard, and God's either dead or running on double-As."

Root (Amy Acker) reports Team Machine's sad state of affairs as Season 4 comes to a close

"Look, when she takes your face, then we can talk."

May (Ming-Na Wen) doesn't share Bobbi's sympathy for Agent 33

"It's my ode to Dorothy. 'No place like ho-mo.'"

David Burtka quips to Wendy while showing off his blue sequined loafers on her shoe-cam

"They screwed with financial markets, they helped Hitler get started, along with God knows what else — probably disco."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) on the Stynes' evil doings throughout history

"Stick it in fast so it'll hurt less."

"God, you must be one hell of a first date."

Mark (Ari Millen) instructs Sarah (Tatiana Maslany) on how to find the bullet embedded in his leg with her finger