Quotes Of The Week For May 17, 2015

"Tomorrow, thanks to Gold and the Author, I could wake up a talking frog."

Regina (Lana Parrilla) is bracing for the inevitable rewrite

"No need to yell, Snow. I will always find you."

"I'm sorry — you will always find me what?"

"I will always find you... your majesty."

"Mmmmh! That's better."

There's nothing charming about Snow (Ginnifer Goodwin) and David (Josh Dallas) in the alt-reality

"Sarah's lying. She's poison. She's going to melt you like butter."

"Shut up about the butter."

Helena (Tatiana Maslany) does not care for Pupok the scorpion's advice

"Start thinking Survivor. Been on for 30 seasons. I say the same 200 words over and over and over and over and over. I'm in therapy, I say them so often."

Jeff Probst, trying to help the stumped players solve a word puzzle

"Salty and fatty. Thick as a pork chop. This is the Amber Rose of bacon."

Dre (Anthony Anderson) weighs in on a wild-boar bacon tart he'd initially viewed with skepticism

"My boyfriend? Yeah, right. The only man in my life is my labradoodle, Eva Braun."

Movie star Amy Blake Lively (Amy Schumer) is dropping some Heil-to-the-No details about her life while coyly flirting with talk-show host Cliffley (Bill Hader)

"You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets. And maybe slavery!"

Amy (Anna Chlumsky), taking down Selina in an epic, long overdue rant

"What is it with all these tough-talking women? You know a word you don't hear very much anymore? Demure. How about bringing that one back?"

Charles Lester (Wallace Shawn) seethes after getting thwarted first by Alicia (Julianna Margulies), and then Kalinda (Archie Panjabi)

"Science, biatch."

Crafty Fitz (Iain De Caestecker) stops Gordon in his teleporting tracks

"It is the thorn that protects the  rose. Or in this case, the Daisy."

Raina (Ruth Negga) wields a mean metaphor

"Let our motto be 'Moderation in all things' — including moderation."

Countess Von Marburg (Lucy Lawless), bailing out Cotton and Hawthorne after their drunken brawl

"This morning, I found this on my doorstep: My favorite bottle of champagne, along with a playlist of Taylor Swift love songs."

"Does the music have symbolic meaning?"

"Do I look like I listen to Taylor Swift?"

Pam Tyler (Shanola Hampton) reminds Janice (Mariana Klaveno) that her taste in music is better than her taste in men

"I have to keep my mouth closed or people can see the gum through my teeth."

Michael Strahan references his famous gap tooth while testing out whether or not chewing gum can cure an "earworm"

"I'm really not enjoying being one of the good guys this week. I'm really not!"

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) feels the heat from Captain Cold's sister Lisa

"Dana and her family are going away for the summer. What if she meets a guy while she's in Seattle?"

"Why are you worried about some dude from Canada?"

Barry (Troy Gentile) is not the brightest crayon in the box, but we love him

"Hey, you can always think of me as being the guy who hit on you right before you had a lung transplant."

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Well, if you don't know, then I'm doing a pretty s—-y job."

Dylan (Max Thieriot) and Emma (Olivia Cooke), after their first kiss

"Listen, why don't you go and distract the guard with your cleavage. I'm going to use the defibrillator to wake him up."

"What if it doesn't work?"

"What are you talking about? Your cleavage always works!"

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) shares with Kensi (Daniela Ruah) his "shocking" plan to rouse a hospitalized suspect

"Irritability, moodiness, lashing out."

"That describes my wife before all this."

Avery (Jonathan Jackson) wryly informs a doctor that it can be tough to tell post-partum Juliette from pre-partum Juliette

"The city's under attack? Must be May!"

Lance (Paul Blackthorne) gets meta when Laurel (Katie Cassidy) comes to him for help

"You guys have a hot tub...? Nice!"

Barry Allen aka The Flash (Grant Gustin) lays eyes on the League of Assassins' Lazarus Pit

"Are you going to be my teacher?"

"Noooo! Your mother and I went through that with Mr. Feeny."

"Yeah, our teacher from sixth grade through college."

"How could that happen?"

"In an unexpected..."

"But completely believable way."

[Pause]

"Every year."

Riley (Rowan Blanchard) worries her teacher will always be Cory (Ben Savage), just like Mr. Feeny was always Cory and Topanga's (Danielle Fishel) teacher

"The British Museum holds the world's largest collection of historical pornography — aside from the Vatican, of course."

Mr. Lyle (Simon Russell Beale), giving Ethan a colorful tour of his workplace 

"Mother's Day: It's the day we honor our moms, as opposed to every other day where we look at our phones and go 'yeahhhhhh, not now.'"

John Oliver knows you're screening your mom's calls

"Hello, summer. Goodbye, pants!"

Axl (Charlie McDermott) wastes no time preparing for summer vacation

"Meredith asked me if she could move in. She's selling her house, and she wants to move in. What do you think?"

"With the kids?"

"No, she's selling the kids with the house. Yes, with the kids."

Alex (Justin Chambers), trying to make light of the Full House spinoff he's proposing to girlfriend Jo (Camilla Luddington)

"Raise your ducklings!"

Bailey (Chandra Wilson), scolding Stephanie for wanting to disown the interns aka her "web-footed legacy"