Quotes Of The Week For Sept. 9, 2018

KIDDING

"She didn't leave you because Phil died. She left you because you're a p—y."

"Please don't use a bad word when you can use a good word."

"Fine. You're a vagina."

Will (Cole Allen) finds a workaround when Jeff (Jim Carrey) asks that he stop cursing

KIDDING (Bonus Quote!)

"Change your outfit. You look like Rosa Parks' bus driver."

Will (Cole Allen) gives dad a fashion tip

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"He's been accused of sexually harassing and assaulting women for 30 years — and it's everyone, from his massage therapist, all the way to other executives. Like, his harassment had more range than CBS' programming."

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"In total, Moonves is accused of harassing or assaulting 13 women — and that's not even counting the thousands of innocent Americans who have walked past this actual poster for Bull."

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT (Bonus Quote!)

"Moonves is gone... for at least nine months, until he shows up for a set at the Comedy Cellar."

FLORIBAMA SHORE

"I've never had a bestie that I've peed with, but different strokes for different folks. If you want to pee on your friend, and your friend wants to pee on you... you know, it's America. You do you, boo."

You can always count on Floribama's Candace to... tell it like it is? No, that still doesn't seem right

THE DEUCE

"Where's he put his wallet?"

Vincent (James Franco) jokes with Paul about the, um, breezy attire sported by one of the gay bar's customers

SHOOTER

"Is this bulletproof?"

Julie (Shantel VanSanten) hits a baddie where it counts

YOU

"Jesus! It's like you've never seen a horror movie... or the news!"

Joe (Penn Badgley), stunned to see Beck walking around in a towel without the blinds drawn

BACHELOR IN PARADISE

"Annaliese, first of all, I'm sorry. What do you want right now?"

"To get off this stage!"

Annaliese, desperate to get away from Chris Harrison and the cameras after being dumped by Kamil on the reunion show

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"Lifetime appointments to the highest court is one of those things that is uniquely American, like the Super Bowl, or drinking Budweiser, or tolerating Sean Penn. No one else understands why Americans do those things."

FOREVER (Episode 2)

"What is this?"

"They're individually packaged wine cups, so the bottle doesn't go bad. And if you buy 12, you get three for free, so... I'm basically making money."

June (Maya Rudolph) tries to justify her excessive drinking to BFF Sharon (Kym Whitley)

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: APOCALYPSE

"Am I the first one to get this cut? Because I'm working on becoming an Instagram influencer, and I refuse to show my full ass-crack, so my hairstyle has to be on point." 

Coco (Leslie Grossman) clearly has her priorities in order with a city-flattening nuclear attack on the way

INSECURE

"I pissed myself. Don't look at me. Remember me different!"

A very wasted Kelli (Natasha Rothwell) has some regrets about challenging a Taser-armed security guard

BIG BROTHER

"I'm Julie Chen Moonves. Good night."

With her revised (and eyebrow-raising) eviction night sign-off, Chen shows support for recently ousted husband Les Moonves

MAYANS MC

"How was your visit to the Upside Down?"

After watching a drug dealer's car flip over at the end of a chase, Angel (Clayton Cardenas) reveals he's a Stranger Things fan

TAKE TWO

"Whoa."

"Yeah."

"Last night was..."

"Unexpected?"

"Full of surprises?"

"Like Christmas, or a haunted house?"

"Well, there was a lot of moaning."

Was Sam (Rachel Bilson) and Eddie's (Eddie Cibrian) hook-up scary-good, or just scary?

KILLJOYS

"Do you have my inhaler?"

Duct-crawling derring-do has kicked up Pip's (Atticus Mitchell) allergies

MARVEL'S IRON FIST (Episode 6)

"OK, let me get this straight: The skin that Davos cut from the corpse... You burned it?"

"Mmm-hmm. The ash, it mixes with the blood to create the ink."

"I'm sorry, but what the hell is wrong with you all?"

Colleen (Jessica Henwick) and Misty (Simone Missick) grill the Crane sisters about Davos' wacky ritual

SALVATION

"Let me guess — you met at a cocktail party, in Hell."

Darius (Santiago Cabrera) is agog to learn that his uncle is in cahoots with cult leader Bass