Quotes Of The Week For Jan. 5, 2020
We've rounded up the best TV quotes from Jan. 5 through Jan. 11, 2020. Scroll through our gallery of zingers, bon mots and one-liners below, then tell us if we missed any of your favorite lines from this week's television!
will-and-grace-liberated-iraq-quote
WILL & GRACE
"Shrapnel from an IED destroyed my C7 vertebra in Iraq three years ago."
"Well then, you must have been on vacation, because we liberated Iraq in 2003. Mission accomplished!"
Karen (Megan Mullally), shrugging off the incident that put Luke (Christopher Thornton) in a wheelchair
schitts-creek-high-heels-airplane-quote
SCHITT'S CREEK (Bonus Quote!)
"This might be a stupid question, but... why are you wearing high heels on an airplane?"
"Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane. They hand out slippers with the mimosas."
"When was the last time you flew economy?"
Stevie (Emily Hampshire), predicting a rude awakening for Alexis (Annie Murphy)
schitts-creek-friend-in-suitcase-quote
SCHITT'S CREEK
"I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out."
Alexis (Annie Murphy), testily rejecting Patrick's offer to help close her overstuffed luggage
last-man-standing-build-a-bridge-quote
LAST MAN STANDING
"This is very complicated. Can't we play something less complicated than Bridge? Like, why don't we build a bridge."
Mike (Tim Allen) isn't a fan of Ed and Bonnie's new favorite card game
Golden Globe Awards - Season 77
77TH ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBES
"The hero of this next movie is a naive, misguided child who spreads Nazi propaganda and only has imaginary friends. His name is Mark Zuckerberg."
Sacha Baron Cohen roasts the Facebook CEO while introducing the film Jojo Rabbit
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superstore-bus-driver-phone-quote
SUPERSTORE
"You mind if I use your phone? My bus driver asked to use mine, then he put it in his pocket and drove off."
Sandra's (Kaliko Kauahi) 2020 is already off to a rough start
zoeys-extraordinary-playlist-became-a-coder-quote
ZOEY'S EXTRAORDINARY PLAYLIST
"What makes you think you would be a good manager? ... Are you comfortable being the bad guy?"
"Well, I'm not really comfortable with anything. That's why I became a coder."
Zoey (Jane Levy) sells herself short while interviewing for a promotion with boss Joan (Lauren Graham)
jeopardy-goat-pat-sajak-quote
JEOPARDY! THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME
"You wrote down, 'Who is the greatest host of syndicated TV?' and you started to write... Pat Sajak? Is that right? [James Holzhauer jokingly shrugs] I wish you had risked more points."
Host (or GHOST, rather) Alex Trebek isn't amused by Holzhauer's original Final Jeopardy response
the-haves-and-have-nots-little-foundation-quote
THE HAVES AND THE HAVE NOTS
"Is there something I can do for you, Mrs. Harrington?"
"Hmm. No, but there's something a little foundation can do for you."
Veronica (Angela Robinson), instantly making Madison (Brock Yurich) regret acknowledging her
medical-police-shot-the-chute-quote
MEDICAL POLICE (Episode 1)
"Oh, no! I shot the chute!"
"Shoot! The chute is shot to s—t!"
Dr. Owen Maestro (Rob Huebel) and Dr. Lola Spratt (Erinn Hayes), after Owen destroys the last working parachute as their plane crashes to the ground
the-good-place-corkscrew-eyeball-quote
THE GOOD PLACE
"You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, 'Man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this.' By the trillionth, it's like... I should've just been a teacher."
Bad Place demon Shawn (Marc Evan Jackson) laments the inevitable ennui that results from torturing humans for so long
qotw-vanderpump-rules-scheana-divorce
VANDERPUMP RULES
"I'm divorced, I don't know if you know that. Not a big deal. It doesn't define me."
What a totally casual way for Scheana to tell someone she just met about her divorce, which totally doesn't define her, by the way
qotw-family-guy-mary-kay-letourneau
FAMILY GUY
"So, Lois, how was your first big day teaching? You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?"
"No, Peter, I didn't leave my family to have sex with a 12-year-old boy named Vili Fualaau, get arrested for rape, give birth to his child in prison, get out, get arrested again for humping him in a car when he was 13, have his second kid in jail, get out, get married to him, change my name to Mary Kay Letourneau Fualaau, live my life as a disgraced sex offender, then get dumped by him. No, I didn't do that."
Something tells us Peter (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) immediately regrets asking Lois (Alex Borstein) about her day
manifest-back-from-the-dead-quote
MANIFEST
"You're not the only one who can come back from the dead."
Vance (Daryl Edwards) reveals to Ben his own un-vanishing act
criminal-minds-will-you-know-me-quote
CRIMINAL MINDS
"Today has been amazing. I don't want it to end."
"You'll come back."
"Will you know me?"
Reid (Matthew Gray Gubler) knows that when it comes to Diana's (Jane Lynch) lucidity, he and his mother are on borrowed time