Quotes Of The Week For March 19, 2017

GIRLS

"For the record, I don't think you're going to be a terrible mother. You're maybe not going to be the best, but you're certainly not going to be the worst. I mean, Candy Spelling is still alive, so... "

Elijah (Andrew Rannells), walking back his prediction about Hannah's parenting potential

THE WALKING DEAD

"You're one of the good things in this world. That's what Glenn thought. And he would know... because he was one of the good things, too."

Maggie (Lauren Cohan), sweetly reassuring Daryl that he didn't need to carry around any guilt over her husband's murder

SCORPION

"What are you doing?"

"We're building a balloon. We're going to fill it with methane."

"There's not enough jerky in the world for you and I to fill this with methane."

That Cabe (Robert Patrick) is a real GAS

GIRLS (Bonus Quote!)

"I want to be in your child's life. I just don't think I'm gonna be a very good influence... But our kid's gonna have great skin and be the right kind of slutty!"

OK, Elijah (Andrew Rannells) is now fully on board with the whole Hannah-having-a-baby thing

JANE THE VIRGIN

"It's a little cumbersome having to make all of these bipartisan decisions, so we were thinking why not have a runoff? The kids can see democracy in action — this time free from Russian intervention."

"Ugh, don't remind me!"

Jane's (Gina Rodriguez) joke about the 2016 election doesn't go over well with our narrator (Anthony Mendez)

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

"Wine — she needs wine."

Carol's (Kristen Schaal) reaction upon seeing a bloodied, dehydrated, near-death Gail, who has just resurfaced after being trapped in an elevator for 10 days

TIME AFTER TIME

"My God. Imagine the possibilities if you used your memory for something significant."

Wells (Freddie Stroma) marvels at an encyclopedic gossip

BONES

"What is it they say? Female friendships before male romantic partners?"

Close, Brennan (Emily Deschanel), close

THE ARRANGEMENT

"Do you mind if I order a glass of wine?"

"Do you mind if I show you pictures of how we're decorating the nursery?"

"Sparkling water, please."

Movie producer Deann (Lexa Doig) and very preggers agent Leslie (Autumn Reeser) have a passive-aggressive power lunch

NEW GIRL

"Maybe as an icebreaker, we tell your mom about the time we actually arrested Jay Leno for jaywalking."

Aly (Nasim Pedrad) tries to come up with stories to share when she first meets Winston's mom

NEW GIRL (Bonus Quote!)

"She was born on the freakiest of Fridays..."

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) begins reading the Lindsay Lohan biography we didn't know we needed until now

BABY DADDY

"Let's face it: I'm no good at picking up prostitutes."

It takes a big man, like Danny (Derek Theler), to admit his shortcomings

THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH

"So it's official, people: The White House has lower standards of who they'll bring in than Nordstrom."

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"Hey, Stephen... if you could have any superpower, what would it be?"

"Ooh! I'd like to have this super cool, alien high-tech ring, and it's green and has a lantern on it, and I can use my imagination to make anything out of green light."

"Wow, that's a really dumb superpower."

The man formerly known as Hal Jordan scoffs at Colbert's dream superpower

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN

"I already told her to steer clear of your tots, and she knows she is not supposed to smoke."

Bette (Susan Sarandon), between drags, shares advice from the "Do As I Say, Not As I Do" school of parenting

FEUD: BETTE AND JOAN (Bonus Quote!)

"Well, I think you're good. Really good."

"You don't know what that means to me. Coming from you."

"Sure I do. All the queens love me."

Bette (Susan Sarandon) is happy to be embraced by Victor Buono's (Dominic Burgess) "tribe," as he puts it

VANDERPUMP RULES

"I couldn't think of anything more worse. Sorry, is that a word? 'More worse'? Is that right? That doesn't sound right. Can I Google that? 'More worse'... I couldn't think of anything worse. No, that's not right, either. 'More worse'... I couldn't think of anything that would suck more."

Jax gives us (and himself) a remedial lesson in proper grammar

ARROW

"Malcolm Merlyn — CEO, Merlyn Global Group."

"Anatoly Knyazev — gangster."

Sure, but does Anatoly (David Nykl) have business cards?

SUPERSTORE

"Ninety-nine percent of the Internet is just people tearing other people down. It's actually why I am considering leaving social media."

"Just do it already. Ugh, you don't get points for talking about it."

Mateo (Nico Santos) has had it up to here with Jonah (Ben Feldman) — or anyone, for that matter — "threatening" to leave social media

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"Amaya, take the Backstreet Boys, and intercept Tolkien."

Sara's (Caity Lotz) description of Mick, Nate, Ray and Rip is kind of spot-on

THE FLASH

"My sister says I put the 'Kara' in 'karaoke.'"

Kara (Melissa Benoist), after Barry compliments her singing

THE FLASH (Bonus Quote!)

"I've actually seen [Barry] sing."

"What? You have? How have we not made a GIF of that?!"

Cisco (Carlos Valdes), speaking for all of the Internet

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Careful. I don't think your sister would be too pleased with you causing the demise of a second Robin."

The Wish Realm's Robin (Sean Maguire) urges Zelena to holster her fireball

SUPERGIRL

"You should have run when you had the chance."

"I was a theater geek, not a track star!"

Pinned down by Lyra, it sounds like Winn (Jeremy Jordan) might be more at home "tickling the ivories" in a 1940s nightclub

REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER

"There was so much news, I'm going nuts trying to keep up. I've got the hearings on TV, you've got the president on Twitter, I got Kellyanne on the microwave..."