Quotes Of The Week For March 24, 2019

THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT

"Now, we've been following this Mueller investigation for two years. I think we even mentioned it on this show a couple of times, and this is... worse than the finale of Lost. I mean, what about the Smoke Monster: real or not? And if not, why have so many members of Trump's campaign plead guilty to lying about meeting with the Smoke Monster? I don't understand... Why couldn't this have been like the ending of Seinfeld? Still disappointing, but at least they're all in jail!"

HAPPY!

"I don't have a vengeful bone in my body."

The ultra vengeful Smoothie (Patrick Fischler) takes issue with Sonny's characterization of him, seconds after being unmasked as the supremely vengeful bunny rabbit killer

ABBY'S

"I like to sit here because I can see my kids' windows. It's a good mom hack. I get to unwind, but if I hear screaming or smell something burning, in a flash I can... finish my drink and get home."

While under the influence, next-door neighbor Beth (Jessica Chaffin) is still a (somewhat) responsible mom

AMERICAN IDOL

"The second the judges walk in, I'm going to release my urine onto the floor."

Contestant Margie Mays is very, very nervous to learn if she's advancing to the next round

THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT

"What is David Cassidy really like?"

"Describe him slowly, starting with his lips."

Upon learning that Timmy might be cast on The Partridge Family, some of his smitten classmates pump him for information

RIVERDALE

"You wouldn't be the first mobster to see a therapist, Daddy."

Veronica (Camila Mendes) pushes her dad Hiram into marriage counseling — and has obviously been binge-watching The Sopranos lately

SEAL TEAM

"Walk of shame, huh?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"What was her name?"

"Lisa. [Thinks] No... Lizzie."

"Sounds serious."

Hey, at least Clay (Max Thieriot) GOT her name, barfly-cruising Jason (ahem!)

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"You're so good at defusing bombs and diving for cover, things that require real skill and coordination, and yet... you're such a horrible dancer." 

"You think I'm horrible on the dance floor? You?"

"You dance like a spunky kid mainlining Smarties."

Callen (Chris O'Donnell) learned something new about Sam (LL Cool J) at the Densi wedding reception

THE GOOD FIGHT

"What the f—k are you lookin' at?"

Maia (Rose Leslie) snaps at a shell-shocked Marissa following her uncharacteristically brutal and public evisceration of Roland

LEGACIES

"Suck on that, Tim Burton!"

Honestly, this is exactly what we'd expect Landon (Aria Shahghasemi) to say after defeating the Headless Horseman

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS (Bonus Quote!)

"Ohhh, deliciously macabre! Creeeepy paper... creeeepy paper... creeeepy paper..."

"It's crepe paper."

"Oh, multi-pack!"

Nandor's (Kayvan Novak) excitement shan't be tempered by Guillermo (Harvey Guillen)

NCIS

"I thought motor pool was going to take you out for karaoke night?"

"Until Jethro and Eleanor are safe, Gloria Gaynor can wait. I will survive."

Ducky (David McCallum) puts a pin in one of his farewell festivities

JANE THE VIRGIN (Bonus Quote!)

"By the way, I'm bisexual. It's you."

Petra (Yael Grobglas) dispels her ex-husband's belief that she doesn't love him because she doesn't like men

JANE THE VIRGIN

"Who's here? Abuela, maybe your dead husband's coming back, too! Oh, my God, the movers. I am so sorry. I meant to call earlier. We're actually not moving today because my husband just came back from the dead."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez), mid-monologue spiral, after she hears a knock at the door

YOU'RE THE WORST

"No one's going to be looking at you. Literally. No one. You're invisible tomorrow. No one gives a f—k. You could die."

Bride-to-be Gretchen (Aya Cash) drops some hard truths on her fiancé Jimmy and his wedding-day grooming needs — or lack thereof

SUPERSTORE

"You want a tattoo of your mom, for your mom, on Valentine's Day...? Why?" 

"Cause I'm her special guy, and the tattoo will be a surprise for when she scratches my back when I fall asleep. Don't make this weird." 

"Yeah, I made it weird." 

Mateo (Nico Santos) questions Marcus (Jon Barinholtz) about his creepy V-Day gift 

BLACK-ISH

"Peep this, though. We leave the doors unlocked so he gets in, and then it's "stand your ground." Boom!"

"And then we got him! Ha ha! Nope. Nope." 

"Why not?" 

"This isn't Florida." 

"Damn it!" 

Dre and Bow (Tracee Ellis Ross and Anthony Anderson) think of a way to keep Kyra's dad from taking her with him

THE OA (Part II, Episode 7)

"What do I do once I get the job? Work my way up, bigger salary, find a life partner, settle down, have some kids, get old, die, and leave my high net worth to a kid who doesn't know why she's alive either?" 

"Why don't you study philosophy, or religion?"

"That's what I'm doing. Only not in churches and not in books." 

Fola (Zendaya) angrily explain to Karim (Kingsley Ben-Adir) why she needs to return to the house after he's told her she has other options 

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

"One night, I was awoken by this horrible clawing at the window. And I thought, "Who the hell is that? 'Cause I live on the third floor." So I went to investigate it, I threw back the curtain...well I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I was hypnotized." 

"I used hypnosis on him." 

"Which I found out later." 

Laszlo (Matt Berry) and Nadja (Natasia Demetriou) tell the (ahem) romantic story of how they met.