Quotes Of The Week For May 2, 2015

"You know, your mom has never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me."

"You can run out and get a PhD. That might make her like you."

"Really? It didn't work for you!"

If Leonard (Johnny Galecki) getting a PhD wasn't enough to impress his mother, it's certainly not going to help Penny (Kaley Cuoco)

"I tried to read your paper but it was very hard for me to understand."

"It's quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of a dimensional superfluid."

"Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an arc with animals two-by-two is nonsense."

"What did they feed the lions, mother?"

"The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course!"

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) and Mary (Laurie Metcalf) argue science versus religion

"I wanted two rough and tumble boys. I got a Manny and a pedi!"

Jay (Ed O'Neill) didn't exactly get the macho son he was hoping for with Manny or Joe

"Why did I go to the trouble of creating Storybrooke when I could have cursed everyone to live here?"

The first lead on Lily's whereabouts doesn't pass muster with Regina (Lana Parrilla)

"Are your... bosoms tender?"

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just ask me that."

Captain Holt (Andre Braugher) questions Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) about potential pregnancy symptoms

"I feel like a spy."

"You look like one."

Ken (Aaron Staton) arrives for his off-the-record meeting with Roger (John Slattery) and Pete

"Forever 21: The brand that enables midwestern tweens to dress like 40-something alcoholics attending the funeral of a Tel Aviv nightclub owner." 

"I always thought Victoria would first burn in hell, not in the Hamptons."

Mason (Roger Bart) speaks for everyone in his "disbelief" over Victoria's demise

"Can't anyone follow a simple revenge plan?"

The answer's no, Nolan (Gabriel Mann), and you'd know that if you watched Revenge

"You're pretty scruffy for a jarhead."

"It's a new look. We're trying to recruit millennials. Hashtag #scruffy."

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) expertly rebuffs a teen's taunt

"Right now, with the air marshal unaccounted for, you're the closest thing we have to law enforcement on this plane."

"Which in itself is cause for concern."

Rick (Nathan Fillion) isn't thrilled to be deputized at 39,000 feet

"You admitted me to the funny farm once. Turnabout is fair play."

"I don't recall dressing you like a homeless dope fiend."

"It's not that bad. You look more hipster than homeless."

Root (Amy Acker)... is in fact right!

"It's good. You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinkin' alcohol. It's science."

Nick (Jake Johnson) assures Winston (Lamorne Morris) that Coach's (Damon Wayans Jr.) heavy post-breakup drinking is normal

"I want to be in love. I want to be crazy in love."

"OK, well certainly don't quote Beyonce and pretend that you just thought of it."

"I want to be drunk in love."

"That's also Beyonce."

Schmidt (Max Greenfield) channels Queen B as he realizes that the relationship he has with Fawn (Zoe Lister Jones) is nothing to sing about

"No thanks. Somebody always gets underserved in a three-way."

Bonnie (Allison Janney) declines (via security cam) Jill and Regina's invitation to join them in prayer

"My dad's a supervillain, and you left your doors unlocked."

Thea (Willa Holland) explains how she got into the team's new secret headquarters

"I mean, for a while there, we were a good team.... Weren't we?"

"I'm still happy I shot you."

"Me too."

"Should've aimed for the face."

"Yeah."

Reunited with Ward and it don't feel so good, according to Skye, Fitz, Simmons and May

"Raina? She's manipulative. Dangerous. Deceitful.... We had good times."

Cal (Kyle MacLachlan) gives Afterlife's prickly guest his qualified endorsement

"Claire, happy birthday. I got it at the Hot Topical."

Castiel (Misha Collins) gifts pseudo-teenage daughter Claire with a stuffed cat

"The state's attorney in Baltimore announced Friday that charges would be filed against six police officers in the death of Freddie Grey. It's a vital and important first step on the path to those officers probably being acquitted."

Michael Che weighs in on the news from Baltimore

"Due to the rioting in Baltimore, Wednesday's Orioles game against the White Sox was closed to the public and had zero fans in attendance, which was probably a good idea since Wednesday was Cal Ripken Molotov Cocktail Day!"

Colin Jost makes the case for the Baltimore Orioles closing their game to the public

"I'm gay. But not to worry, it's only until I eat my next brain. I knew something was up, but I didn't really get it until I saw a magazine with Idris Elba on the cover, and the phrase 'big piece of yum' popped into my head. I mean, I'm mildly afraid of heights, but I would not hesitate to climb that mountain."

Lowell (Bradley James) explains to girlfriend Liv why he's been so standoff-ish lately

"They didn't get this at IKEA."

"No, this is what Rumpelstiltskin carves for you after you promise him your first born."

Detective Babinaux (Malcolm Goodwin) and Liv (Rose McIver) discover an ornate crib while investigating a pregnant woman's death