Quotes Of The Week For May 6, 2018

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"Oh my God! They're in a penis-punch 69!"

Charles (Joe Lo Truglio) reacts to Hitchcock and Scully's cringe-inducing fight

THE JOEL MCHALE SHOW WITH JOEL MCHALE

"Television: It's not just for cancelling me anymore!"

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

"It hasn't been this hard to say goodbye to a house since Hugh Laurie died."

Tandy (Will Forte) eulogizes the Zihuatanejo mansion — and name-drops a famous casualty of the virus

SILICON VALLEY

"Richard, adversity is a great teacher. Just like cigarette burns."

Jared (Zach Woods) hands out one of his trademark inspiring-yet-disturbing pep talks

BROCKMIRE

"Do you want to watch Neil deGrasse Tyson explain science to Jimmy Fallon, or do you want to watch them pass ping pong balls into each other's mouths?"

"Neither."

Jim (Hank Azaria) is probably more of a Colbert man

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"First Lady Melania Trump unveiled her formal childhood education platform, called 'Be Best.' Said children, 'Me try.'"

THE MIDDLE

"I worked my way through all nine boxes of microfiche I got from the library, and it's over. Nine years worth of stories, done. I should've appreciated them more. I guess I can go back and look through them again, but it's not the same knowing there aren't any new ones coming."

Brick (Atticus Shaffer) gets especially meta as he mourns the end of an era

NCIS

"Your team could use a break, Gibbs. They're running on fumes."

[Stares at Torres up close] "Looks fine to me."

"I moisturize."

Gibbs (Mark Harmon) is tireless in the hunt for Abby and Clayton's shooter — and expects Torres (Wilmer Valderrama) to be, as well

NCIS (Bonus Quote!)

"Why do I need to say it back to you...? All right, fine — I love you, too."

McGee (Sean Murray) feels the love from DiNozzo

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"You need a reminder that the world is coming to an end? I thought that's what Twitter is for."

Nell (Renée Felice Smith) questions Eric's fatalistic new app

THE FLASH

"Eye snakes... Why did it have to be eye snakes..."

Cisco (Carlos Valdes) puts the "eye" in "Indiana Jones"

NEW GIRL

"Look at us, the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt."

"God, I forgot how much I despise you."

Kim (Gillian Vigman) is nauseated by Schmidt (Max Greenfield) within seconds of his return to work

ROSEANNE

"I'm telling you, this is what people from Iraq and Talibanistan do! They hide out in neighborhoods like Lanford. Don't you watch the news?!"

"You don't mean the news. You mean Fox News."

Jackie (Laurie Metcalf) points to the source of Roseanne's (Roseanne Barr) Islamophobia

THE HAVES AND THE HAVE NOTS

"This is good advice, you should take it: Don't ever almost kill anyone. You either kill them, or you shut the f—k up."

Jim (John Schneider) to Wyatt, after his son came thisclose to committing patricide

RIVERDALE

"Hot Riverdale dads to the rescue!"

Kevin (Casey Cott) celebrates the DILF-ness of it all when the gang's dads swoop in to save the day

QUANTICO

"I'm an 'otter-turned-leather-daddy'? What does that even mean?!"

Ryan (Jake McLaughlin) gets a hasty education in gay nomenclature when he's chosen to go undercover to lure a bad guy with very specific tastes

KILLING EVE

"You should never tell a psychopath they are a psychopath. It upsets them."

Hired killer Villanelle (Jodie Comer) has a handy tip for dealing with psychopaths like herself

MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

"That's the most incredible story I've ever heard — and I'm the same age as my grandparents."

Deke (Jeff Ward) is dazzled by Davis' backstory

ONCE UPON A TIME

"I know it's a bit cluttered. But it is beachfront property."

"Can we get to the solution you promised? Because all I see is a cave where booze goes to perish."

Wish Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) gives Rumple (Robert Carlyle) the 10-cent tour