Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 30, 2014

[Garcia on the phone] "I think she's a fan girl!"

"Is that another word for 'crazy person'? [To Callahan] It's a psycho fan who thinks I'm Comic-Con."

Rossi (Joe Mantegna) gets the 411 on the mysterious young woman who's been following him

"You can't just lose your powers. Your DNA was transformed by the particle accelerator blast. There's no way to untransform DNA."

"Tell that to the Uber driver who charged me 65 bucks to take me here. I had to tell her I was coming from a cosplay party."

Barry (Grant Gustin) explains to Caitlin (Danielle Panabaker) how he was forced to improvise after losing his super speed in the midst of a fight with a meta human

"He says he wants something modest, yet meaningful. What am I supposed to do? Capture and gift wrap Cate Blanchett?"

Eliza (Karen Gillan) trying to figure out what to get Henry (John Cho) for his birthday

"What's the matter?"

"There's this little voice inside my head saying don't go out in front of your entire school and do a love scene with your mother"

Marcus (Benjamin Stockham) makes a last minute decision to not recite the Romeo and Juliet balcony scene on stage with his mother (Minne Driver)

"Come on, look at him! I'd dip my chip in that man-guac, if you know what I mean."

Dakota (Leslie Bibb), commenting on how dreamy Marcus' substitute teacher is

"On account of my size, I need a man who's at least 25 to 50 pounds more than me. Like, if my heel breaks or I pass out, I need somebody who can pick me up and put me on the bench!"

Wendy, discussing newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross and their predilection for wearing one another's clothes

"You look like a Jewish Pharrell!"

Jess (Zooey Deschanel) makes a completely accurate observation about Schmidt's festive pilgrim hat

"No lines is still acting, y'know. Patty Duke didn't have any lines when she played blind — and she still had to concentrate, right?"

Valerie (Lisa Kudrow), justifies her tense silence while preparing to film a dialogue-free oral sex scene for her new HBO dramedy

"That's all right, Mickey. It's HBO. They love the f-word. So feel free to eff it up, everybody!"

Valerie (Lisa Kudrow), tries to make her hairstylist feel better about dropping f-bombs while helping her run dialogue

"Is Annie not coming? Is she OK? Did somebody kidnap her? Can you not answer that question because the kidnapper is watching you right now with binoculars?"

"I'm sorry, Jake. Kevin just watched Taken, Taken 2 and a really sad insurance commercial."

Kevin 2 (Dan Bucatinsky) and Kevin 1 (Tim Meadows) have slightly different reactions to their soon-to-be son-in-law Jake (Ken Marino) taking them to brunch without their daughter in tow

"You remember those giant Oreos we had when we were kids? They were, like, as big as your face! What happened to those? Did I — did I dream them?"

Alison (Ruth Wilson), making interesting cookie observations after getting stoned with friend Jane

"Danny, come on! Cosmo says that taking a bath together is the No. 9 way to have a horny Autumn. Don't you want to have a horny Autumn!?"

Mindy (Mindy Kaling) convinces Danny to strip down and hop in the tub — and oh, how thankful we are for that

"I'm just a little nervous. I haven't been on a date since 1974. Has a lot changed? Do people still do cocaine?"

​Danny's mom (Rhea Perlman) is totally ready to get back out therez

"What the f–king f–k?!"

CIA director Lockhart (Tracy Letts) reacts to news that the convoy carrying Carrie and Saul has been hit by numerous missiles

"I guess now would be a good time to ask for that raise, huh?"

Shaw (Sarah Shahi) after saving her Bloomingdale's boss' butt by whipping out a big gun to ward off Martine

"I don't wear panties, and I was about to throw my panties at the stage!"

Blake Shelton, marveling at team member Craig Wayne Boyd's cover of "I Walk the Line"

"You're pretty handy for a valet."

"Butler, mate. I'm a butler."

Bullock (Donal Logue) is impressed by the beat-down Alfred (Sean Pertwee) "served" to some would-be assassins

"You really scared me, Master Bruce. If you died.... Who employs butlers anymore?"

Alfred (Sean Pertwee) says it would have been a dark night had his ward not survived his adventure with Selina

"Who are you?"

"Lieutenant Jim Corbin, U.S. Navy Seals. I'm bringing you home."

"I'm the tech guy.

[beat]

I'm helping."

Walter (Elyes Gabel), offering a less impressive introduction than Lt. Corbin (Jake McLaughlin) upon meeting the man they are rescuing

"This is bad. Their pecking order's all messed up."

"Pecking order? What are you talking about?"

"Every turkey group has one guy who can peck everyone. And the guy below him, he can peck everyone except for the top guy, and so on until the sad sack who can't peck anyone."

"Oh, that's terrible! It's like the ladies on The View!"

Teddy (voiced by Larry Murphy) and Linda (John Roberts), discussing the wild turkey outbreak that's ensued at the Turkey Town Festival

"Alicia is a good mother. She would never stab a teacher."

Jackie (Mary Beth Peil) offers the faintest praise of her daughter-in-law after Alicia's joke note "threatening" a teacher winds up in the hands of her daughter's principal

"Unfortunately, accordion music kinda turns me on."

Finn Polmar (Matthew Goode) nixes one of Alicia's goofy suggestions for how to keep their meet-ups strictly platonic

"What happened to your face?"

"Bill's fist happened to it."

Ridge (Thorsten Kaye), after fiancée Katie (Heather Tom) notices his features looking more bruised than chiseled

"You just told me that your plan was counting on him screwing up. That's some active police work right there."

Dawn (Christine Woods), unimpressed by her guard's strategy for apprehending runaway Noah

"Do you, by any chance, know my father?"

"Of course.

[Looks up to God]

Everyone knows him."

Jane (Gina Rodriguez) mistakes an infertile couple, seeking a miracle from Saint Jane, for fans of her telenovela father

"Where, pray tell, is he now?"

"He's waiting uncomfortably for me to return and deliver his punishment. Pass the beignets, would you?"

Kol (Daniel Sharman) and Klaus (Joseph Morgan) discussing Finn's incarceration over pastries

"I'm a little surprised we don't hear clapping right now."

Josh (Steven Krueger) immediately after his first kiss with Aiden. But is he referring to Davina's applause... or ours?

"Do you know how hard it is to be a teen pop star? ... Neither do I, thank God."

‎As said by Mandy Moore's Dr. Grace (we see what you did there, RBS)