Quotes Of The Week For Nov. 5, 2017

NCIS: LOS ANGELES

"And for the record, Mr. Dang, I already know the sound of one hand clapping."

After having her adversary subdued, Hetty (Linda Hunt) winds up for a big ol' slap

NCIS: LOS ANGELES (Bonus Quote!)

"Malls can be very scary. Have you been to a Hot Topic lately?"

Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) apparently has Funko and ear gauge phobias

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

"You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS."

"Syphilis?"

"SIFILISS."

"Syphilis?"

"SIFILISS! You know, Sudden Infant Falling Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome."

Carol (Kristen Schaal) confuses Tandy (Will Forte) with her made-up acronym

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER

"It's finally happening! The first charges in the ongoing scandal that we've been calling 'Stupid Watergate': a story that, like Watergate, could wind up toppling democracy — but only because one of these idiots slipped on a banana peel, yelled something stupid like, 'Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O!,' and accidentally knocked democracy over."

THE FLASH

"[Through tears] Joe...? Why didn't Rose make room for Jack on the door? There was plenty of room for both of them."

Barry (Grant Gustin) gets sappy, sobby drunk thanks to Cisco's magic elixir

THE FLASH (Bonus Quote!)

"You and I could have been gods."

"I used to work with a god. Over it."

Amunet's (Katee Sackhoff) pitch is a miss with Savitar sidekick Killer Frost (Danielle Panabaker)

LUCIFER

"Ix-nay on the ot-nay andy-Cay...."

"Is that German? Because if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know — Hitler was a talker. Well, a screamer, actually."

Lucifer (Tom Ellis) can't parse Ella's Pig Latin

THE WALKING DEAD

"We're two a–holes who'll do whatever we have to just to keep going. And the only difference is... I'm the one holding the gun. That doesn't make me any worse than you, Rick. It just makes me luckier."

Morales (Juan Gabriel Pareja), suggesting that Rick is every bit as cutthroat as the Saviors

THE BIG BANG THEORY (Bonus Quote!)

"[Bernadette] lies around all day eating Mallowmars and hollering at me, so her transformation from my wife to my mother is complete."

"Congratulations, I know that's what you were hoping for."

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) might not grasp Howard's (Simon Helberg) sarcasm, but he can see right past it

THE BIG BANG THEORY

"Love isn't just science. It's spiritual... it's an acknowledgment of a mystery that's greater than ourselves. It's what makes people write songs and poems — and what has kept The Bachelor on TV for 21 magical seasons."

Raj (Kunal Nayyar) comes off as quite the romantic — up until that last part 

DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW

"If Sara says, 'Kill Darhk,' or 'Re-kill Darhk,' or 'Prop him up in a convertible like Weekend at Bernie's,' thats what we do, because she's the captain."

Nate (Nick Zano) has little regard for Rip's plans for Damien Darhk's corpse

THE MINDY PROJECT

"I thought you'd be happy for me. I finally met an accomplished, age-appropriate woman. She even remembers Dukes of Hazzard. You all just thought that was some racist fever dream I had."

Jody (Garret Dillahunt) extolls to his co-workers the virtues of his new girlfriend

ARROW

"Be the mayor until I get back."

"For real?"

"It's a figure of speech. Just don't make any laws while I'm out of the office, OK?"

Oliver (Stephen Amell) leaves Rene in charge — and Rene likes it!

GREY'S ANATOMY

"Little weird, but I'm gonna roll with it."

Jo (Camilla Luddington) looks the other way when "Baby Izzie" holds Alex's hand and asks him to stay with her

LATE NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS

"The inventor of stadium-style nacho cheese passed away this week. His ashes will be spread unevenly over a small area."

PROJECT RUNWAY

"It's beautiful. What gave you this idea?"

"Well, I found a dead cat on the street. After I buried the cat, I put my ear to the ground, and this is the kind of sound I heard."

Tim Gunn gets way more than he bargains for when he asks Kentaro about the inspiration behind the song he composed for his runway show

THE MIDDLE

"You're gonna need to wash that bath mat. Oh, and I think I ruined your good Holiday Inn towel."

A sickly Pat (Marsha Mason) warns Frankie that she might have destroyed the one good towel her daughter stole owns

JANE THE VIRGIN

"I never would have worked with Katherine long-term, obviously, because she's completely nuts! You don't think so?"

"My sister tried to drown me at sea. I have a high bar."

Katherine would have to do a lot more than hit Rafael (Justin Baldoni) with her car for Petra (Yael Grobglas) to consider her crazy

ONCE UPON A TIME

"Whatever else I'm supposed to be in my life... I'm your mother first. Because without that? I just don't know how to be."

Regina (Lana Parrilla) opens up to Henry about how much she missed him back in Storybrooke

HAWAII FIVE-O

"He has sex two times a week, three at the most — and that's if it's someone's birthday or something."

"Don't write that down, it's not true."

Danny (Scott Caan), by way of Melissa, gives the stress management consultant the true 411 on Steve (Alex O'Loughlin) and Lynn's sex life

THIS IS US

"So this is it? The big surprise? You guys have just, y'know, given up, fashion-wise?"

Kevin (Justin Hartley) is unimpressed by Kate (Chrissy Metz) and Toby's (Chris Sullivan) sweatshirt-dependent pregnancy-reveal setup

THE ORVILLE

"Just put it anywhere, guy. You don't have to find my g-spot." 

Yaphit (voiced by Norm Macdonald) wants back his piece of... whatever