Sharknado 3: The Bad And Worse Moments

Cold open a la James Bond. Fair enough, Fin has earned it.

Late for his awards ceremony at the White House, Fin practically runs straight inside the heavily guarded building.

"And where is Fin? Probably trying to get eaten by another shark."

— April's mom (played by Bo Derek) makes clear her distaste for Fin's fish-fighting. The ladies have a complex relationship.

Right, as if a cocksure businessman could run for President of the United States with barely any political experience! Silly movie.

"I feel for the sharks, but they're wrecking our schools, our roads..." Ladies and gentleman, Vice President Ann Coulter!

Security guard Lou Ferrigno asks Fin for a selfie. (Just don't make him angry by saying no!)

Yes, Fin is being honored with a golden chainsaw. And yes, he will soon enough use it to slice and dice some sharks.

"These sharks have a scent, and it's not a pretty one." — Fin awes President Mark Cuban with his sixth sense

No. They did not just reenact the Iwo Jima statue. But they did.

VP Coulter "surfs" her way to safety... on a presidential portrait.

Take that, Will Smith. Sharknado one-ups Independence Day by impaling one national landmark with another.

Annnnnnd... commence the nearly non-stop shilling of NBC Universal/Comcast properties, from the invitingly photographed theme park to its super-helpful staffers, to the Xfinity cable system and Today hosts Matt Lauer & Co.

Apparently, it's a very, very big deal that Fin's daughter has changed her hair color since the last movie. Since it is mentioned several times. Hey, Sharknado fans are sticklers for continuity!

Even more significant than the daughter's hair color change is the return of Nova, a Sharknado 1 heroine who gets a dramatic introduction that is as beefy as her outfit is sparse.

But be kind — she suffers from post-traumatic shark disorder.

Meet Nova's eager-beaver sidekick Lucas (played by Malcolm in the Middle's Frankie Muniz). His nickname may as well be "Dead Meat."

When last we tuned in, April had lost a limb to a shark. Now she has a bionic hand...

... that comes with a buzz-saw attachment! (Mom Bo Derek isn't a fan, however.)

Hi, our sole purpose is to service a clumsy, barely written teen romance story and show off some theme park rides.

Piloting the sonic jet that was generously lent to her by the Army, Nova reminisces to Fin, "When you pulled me or of that shark, I thought I was dead. Afterwards, nothing was the same." We can only imagine.

Having had both his legs and both his arms chomped off by four separate sharks, plucky Lucas makes like a Monty Python knight and triggers the failsafe button using his chin.

Fin and Nova happen to crash-land... in the lagoon at the theme park where April is scampering around! And emerge all slo-mo and wet/half-naked-like!

Fin even finds himself smack dab in the middle of Universal Studios' backstage tour thing.

Game of Thrones auteur George R.R. Martin is the target of a red blood-letting at a screening of "Shark Wedding."

Even the Universal globe gets to play hero, rolling Fin and friends to (some semblance of) safety!

In one of the more "suspenseful" kills, a shark goes back and forth on a loop-de-loop coaster, until it finally gets within chomping distance of Chris Jericho.

Going by mission control's verbal countdown to liftoff, April found and got into a space suit in less than 20 seconds!

Check out what Nova's packing: "75-caliber mascara." Because why not.

"How are you so good at that?"

"I'm a Shepard!"

"Star Wars? I heard that didn't work."

"That's what you were supposed to think."

—Fin's father (The Hoff) reveals "Plan B," to use SDI to shoot down the sharknado wall

And not a moment too soon, for their collective dignity.

Why yes, that is a giant, super-powerful laser shooting down from the sky, dissipating a wall of sharknados without a single civilian casualty!

All together on three:

"Sharks! In! Space!"

OK, this is the kind of nuttiness I tuned in for, though I'm shocked they didn't save outer space for No. 4.

So, during one of their brief spots of downtime, Nova made Fin a laser chainsaw. Literally nothing has been saved for Sharknado 4.

And yet the best is yet to come. Because as April is swallowed whole....

... Finn purposely floats straight into said shark's jaw, punches a hole through his belly and jerry-rigs a parachute to float them down to Earth.

"But wait," you bark, "April was pregnant!" No more! She done give birth whilst inside the shark's belly...!!!

WHILE KEEPING HER SPANDEX SHORTS ON!

Fin names the wee one after his father Gilbert — or, you know, "Gil."

Speaking of Dad, he's floated over to the surface of the moon — space travel is easy that way — where he's hanging with some dead sharks.

But wait, there's one last bite of drama — space wreckage is about to land on April! Your tweets will decide if #AprilLives or #AprilDies, for Sharknado 4.