Quotes Of The Week For Feb. 26, 2017
big-little-lies-madeline-grudges-quote
BIG LITTLE LIES
"I love my grudges. I tend to them like little pets."
Monterey mom Madeline (Reese Witherspoon) isn't ashamed of her vengeful streak
scorpion-holy-cosmo-quote
SCORPION
"Holy Cosmo! You're getting relationship advice from the supermarket check-out rack."
"Paige and I have been getting on better since we decided to be caring friends to each other, but I was concerned that I would do something to mess that up — so I did research to avoid that."
"The New England Journal of Medicine is research. You read a periodical with pictures of One Direction."
Toby (Eddie Kay Thomas) is aghast to learn the source of Walter's (Elyes Gabel) advice
new-girl-winston-dedication-quote
NEW GIRL
"I'm only on page two, and page one is a dedication to Winston."
Nick (Jake Johnson) has a bad case of writer's block
trevor-noah-kellyanne-conway-oval-office-controversy-quote
THE DAILY SHOW WITH TREVOR NOAH
"Who cares about the feet on the couch when you've got the a—hole behind the desk? I mean..."
stephen-colbert-confederacy-timeline-quote
THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT (Bonus Quote!)
"We're live right after Donald Trump's address to Congress. Now technically, this was not a 'State of the Union' because I think in this timeline, the Confederacy won."
vanderpump-rules-bachelor-party-quote
VANDERPUMP RULES
"You're f—king miserable! We're at a bachelor party; you've cried three times! This is not normal!"
Jax might not be the brightest bulb, but he knows that Schwartz's drama-filled bachelor party is not a great sign for his marriage
jimmy-kimmel-hidden-figures-la-la-land-progress-oscars-quote
THE 89TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS
"It has been an amazing year for movies. Black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz. Now that's progress."
Jimmy Kimmel touches on the "progress" made by films like Hidden Figures and La La Land
JIMMY KIMMEL
THE 89TH ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS (Bonus Quote!)
"Personally, I blame Steve Harvey for this."
Kimmel tries to make sense of the Best Picture mishap
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THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT
"Michelle [Obama] will write a book designed to inspire young people based on her life story. It will be released in hardback, then in paperback, and then by Melania."
bates-motel-norma-smoking-quote
BATES MOTEL
"Mother, are you smoking?"
"I'm dead. It's not like it's going to kill me."
Norma (Vera Farmiga), refusing to let Norman (Freddie Highmore) scold her about her bad habit
the-walking-dead-eugene-im-negan-quote
THE WALKING DEAD
"I'm Negan. I'm utterly, completely, stone-cold Negan. I was Negan before I even met you, I just needed to meet you properly to know. I'm Negan."
Eugene (Josh McDermitt), way too eagerly pledging his allegiance to the Saviors' murderous leader
the-voice-tell-a-boy-maybe-quote
THE VOICE
"Lilli, will you please pick me?"
"Maybe!"
"She's an honest girl. She said maybe. That's what you're always supposed to tell a boy."
Alicia Keys commends auditioner Lilli Passero for not committing to Blake Shelton's team right away — and gives excellent dating advice in the process
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TRAINING DAY
"Wait, Frank — you read Mother Jones?"
"Know thine enemy."
Frank's (Bill Paxton) reading habits impress Kyle
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CRASHING
"What cargo are you carrying in those cargo pants? You carrying nostalgia for the '90s?"
T.J. Miller questions Artie Lange's wardrobe choices backstage at a gig in Albany
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LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
"To be clear, [Obamacare] did have a proper name — it was the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act — but that does goes to show you that it matters what people call something. Would Emma Stone be as popular if her real name was Blump Shartcracker? No! No! So that's why it's good she changed it."
Oliver explains the significance of referring to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act as Obamacare — while also providing an "alternative fact" about the Oscar-winning La La Land star
imposters-no-h-jonson-quote
IMPOSTERS
"There's no 'H' in Jonson. I've never seen that."
"Maybe they couldn't afford it?"
Richard (Parker Young) and Jules (Marianne Rendón) discover a yearbook belonging to their con artist "wife" Maddie Jonson
the-flash-luke-starkiller-quote
THE FLASH (Bonus Quote!)
"Are you trying to Luke Starkiller me?"
Apparently on Gypsy's (Jessica Camacho) Earth-19, Star Wars kept the hero's original name (which Cisco loves)
the-flash-wells-brushes-teeth-quote
THE FLASH
"You go front-to-back? Because I'm a small circles kind of guy. I wonder how the other Wells brushes his teeth..."
"The murderer?"
H.R. (Tom Cavanagh) is perhaps more fascinated than Harry (Tom Cavanagh) with doppelganger differences
arrow-pair-of-balls-quote
ARROW
"These are two inventions of mine, two autonomous mini-drones."
"So, what, you can't handle yourself on the field, you gotta give yourself a pair of balls? [Beat] That was too harsh, wasn't it?"
"It was, yeah, but you know what, you recognized it."
"I'm trying to work on it."
"It's progress."
Curtis (Echo Kellum) helps Rene (Rick Gonzalez) become a bit less wild, less of a dog
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SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
"A merit-based [immigration] system is contrary to the whole idea of America. My Irish ancestors certainly didn't come here because they were the best and the brightest. They came here because God took their potatoes away. And now, after decades of hard work, they have literally dozens of potatoes. That's progress. Back to you, Michael."
[Pause]
"At least they had a choice."
Michael Che gets all too real after Colin Jost breaks down President Trump's proposed immigration plan