Quotes Of The Week For April 5, 2015

"I think I'm pregnant."

Kelly Clarkson has immaculately conceived after hearing Clark Beckham rehearse "The Trouble With Love Is"

"You said you don't wanna take this place and you don't wanna lie? Oh, sunshine, you don't get both."

Carol (Melissa McBride), narrowing Rick's options in Alexandria

"Ooh, you just chose champions! It's like we're reenacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat."

"It's also like when The Mountain fought The Red Viper in Game of Thrones."

"Leonard makes you watch that, too?"

"No, no, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doin' it."

Penny (Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting) reassures Amy (Mayim Bialik) and Bernadette (Melissa Rauch) that she has her entertainment priorities in order

"There are already two zombies. Me and Blaine. Now there may be a third? Two's company, three's a horde."

Liv (Rose McIver) does the zombie math for Ravi

"I tried to steal [Jules] a [baby tiger] at a circus last year and ended up in circus prison. You know those little red train cars with the bars like in Dumbo? That's what they use for their jails. And FYI, if an animal misbehaves, it gets thrown in the same cell. There was this adorable little monkey. Apparently he went nuts under the big top and started running around and ripping the earrings off of women — you know, lobes and all — but he ended up actually being like a pretty solid little dude. He's how I got out of there."

"I've always wanted to ask you this after one of your ridiculous stories: Is any of that true?"

"You'd have to read it back to me."

The authenticity of Laurie's (Busy Philipps) storytelling gets questioned by Ellie (Christa Miller)

"You are the worst actor I've ever directed, and I directed both Wahlbergs!"

Tyrannical director Matt Lundergard (Jason Mantzoukas) really doesn't think much of Chang's (Ken Jeong) work as a thespian 

"All I did was stick something in you. [beat] Do you think there will ever come a time when everything I say isn't some weird double entendre?"

Felicity's (Emily Bett Rickards) just being Felicity after injecting Ray with a needle full of nanobytes

"What is wrong with me? He's brilliant. He knows the plot to every Doctor Who episode, all 34 seasons, he looks like a Disney prince. He's practically the perfect man."

Felicity (Emily Bett Rickards) wonders why she can't reciprocate Ray's (Brandon Routh) declaration of love

"In the end, I'll be bigger than Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. But not Madonna because I'm realistic."

Erica (Hayley Orrantia) fills her parents in on her dreams of popstardom

"I'm not saying we're not trying. We're always trying. We're constantly, constantly, constantly trying. We tried just this morning!"

Kelly Ripa follows up (a little racily) on an April Fools' Day joke that she and hubby/guest co-host Mark Consuelos are expecting another child

"I've had 20 years to come up with the perfect trick. It's going to be my masterpiece, my Mona Lisa, my Breaking Bad Season 5!"

The Trickster (Mark Hamill) talks up his next act of terror

"Fitz, why did you make me watch Paranormal Activity?"

Skye (Chloe Bennet) gets spooked when she hears noise coming from outside her cabin

"Why am I the only one who's never seen this commercial?"

"Because it comes on late at night and when you're not moonlighting, your honey-milk sipping ass is in bed by 10."

Espo (Jon Huertas) explains why Ryan (Seamus Dever) is not "Pitbull"-savvy

"The final four is headed to Indiana, where the state just passed a law that discriminates against gay people. Just wait until Indiana finds out that all those players shower together!"

Conan O'Brien jokes of a potential oversight in Indiana's newly-enacted law

"I can't believe we're still having this conversation. He's a dancer, auditioning for Aladdin. On ice! That dude gay."

"He is an athlete! Auditioning for Aladdin, which is very physically demanding! So much carpet."

Louis (Randall Park) and Jessica (Constance Wu) butt heads over whether her ex-boyfriend is actually gay

"Eddie, you may not have caught the chicken pox, but you caught something better: knowledge."

"Oh, snap! I accidentally learned!"

Emery (Forrest Wheeler) is so proud of his older brother (Hudson Yang) for cracking open a library book... even if it was for the wrong reasons

"In retrospect, I didn't mean to move that much: I looked like one of those car-sales bendy things."

Guest mentor Nate Ruess second-guesses the way he swayed to the rhythm while trying to show a contestant how to physically connect with Adele's "Chasing Pavements"

"That was just a momentary lapse in judgment. You strode in here with your hair and your pants and you fixed my smoke alarm. That is a lot to throw at a girl who's been drinking chablis since lunchtime."

"It was nice, though, wasn't it?"

"No! Yes! And that is the problem. I always go for guys like you who offer me nothing but pleasure and excitement. And at a certain point, a girl has to give those things up for stability. And that moment happens the second she turns 35 — which I just did, two years ago. So, I am gonna marry Howard."

Newly engaged Karen (Becki Newton) semi-convincingly fends off a second come-on by handsome almost-stranger Stosh (Zachary Knighton)

"Why would I be jealous? Though I do know you're partial to men in leather jackets."

Hook (Colin O'Donoghue) can't "hide" his noticing of Emma's bond with August

"Ooh! It's colder than a witch's... foot... out here."

The Peddler (Patrick Fischler) tries not to work blue in front of Snow White

"I used to think I was funny until I met Kathy Griffin. I'ma have to call my mama and have her tell me how good I am."

Ginger Minj, after being read for filth by her fellow redhead

"The other day I got my yearly physical. You know they take your blood, check your heart, they put a finger up your butt..."

"They don't do that 'til you're 40!"

"They do if you ask, man."

Burski (Rick Glassman) details his yearly physical, and Shelly (Ron Funches) has questions

"He approached you and got you pregnant! Now you approach him! OK?"

Wendy offers no-nonsense advice when a young mother asks how to approach her baby daddy about her desire to get married

"Good gig, Damascus. Sure, the weather's dry, but the girls are—"

"Charlie...."

"Sorry. Women."

Quinn (Katie Lowes) keeps Charlie (George Newburn) from making a "killer" quip

"He told me to rein in my female detective."

"Awwww... he referred to me by my gender? Oh, that is just the sweetest!"

Laura (Debra Messing) reacts with mock delight when her boss/ex-hubby (Josh Lucas) tells her about a Navy commander's dissatisfaction with her investigation

"I'm an angel."

"No, you can't be."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an Atheist!"

Castiel (Misha Collins) breaks the news to mind reader Oliver (Richard Newman) that whether he believes or not, heavenly creatures exist

"Maybe I've changed, too. Here I am playing Dr. Phil to the King of Hell. Never saw that coming."

"Maybe we're getting old."

"Never saw that coming either."

Dean (Jensen Ackles) and Crowley's (Mark Sheppard) conversation is oddly meta about the show's long run, isn't it?

"I've turned Tony into soprano, going through his legs with fruit on my head. A banana in his crotch!"

"I'm not going there. I'm not going there."

Suzanne Somers points out the real perils of her Latin Night costume... and host Tom Bergeron isn't going to take the — ahem — low-hanging fruit

"Now, if you don't mind, I have three cases on my docket, one involving the rape of a 9-year-old girl. So go home and count your damn blessings. Now get out of my courtroom."

Judge Patricia Leguillou lays down the law — quite literally — to the show's central Apostolou family, reminding them there are worse things than a child getting slapped