American Horror Story Season 13 Premiere Conjures A Langdon Family Reunion From Hell — Grade It

Spooky season officially kicked off on Thursday with the three-part premiere of the most highly anticipated installment of "American Horror Story" in nearly a decade.

More than merely a continuation of the "Coven" and "Apocalypse" storyline, the FX anthology series is finally going full multiverse in "AHS: 13," merging fan-favorite characters from seemingly every season of "AHS" thus far. Ghosts, witches, drug addicts, and Satanists from every corner of Ryan Murphy's twisted universe will be accounted for — and those are just the characters Sarah Paulson is playing.

Episode 1 introduces us to Ben (Joey Pollari), a well-mannered hospice worker who's cursed with triskaidekaphobia, the fear of the number 13. This puts him at considerable odds with his Swiftie girlfriend Kira (Madelaine Petsch), whose love of the number 13 is pretty much her entire personality. Against his better judgment, Ben agrees to accompany Kira and her 13 besties on a birthday excursion themed to that very number — a decision he immediately regrets when their plane starts to go down.

Meanwhile, at Miss Robichaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies in New Orleans, a young witch named Ophelia (Avantika) is practicing her craft under the watchful eye of Cordelia Goode (Sarah Paulson), the world's most powerful living witch — or "the f**king Supreme," for anyone who doesn't already know her from "Coven." Ophelia also gets some semi-helpful input from Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), who enters spouting her much-meme'd catchphrase, "Surprise, b***h!"

But the surprises are only just beginning. A cold wind sweeps through the manor, and Cordelia receives a terrible premonition about a harbinger. And not just any harbinger, a harbinger... of doom! As far as harbingers go, that one's pretty much the worst. Cordelia also sees flashes of "death... so much terrifying, vengeful death," but Madison just chalks that up to her being overdramatic.

"Something wicked this way comes," Cordelia fears, and right on cue, the episode takes us to Constance Langdon (Jessica Lange's character from "Murder House"). We don't know exactly where she is, but she's now the apparent caretaker of a mysterious old man. And by mysterious, we mean clearly sinister. Gross skin, claw-like hands, and is that... is that a tail we see dragging back there? Anyway, he's bad news, which is hammered home further when he starts vomiting black liquid at the same moment the aforementioned plane crashes. The timing is suspect, almost as if he's feeding off their deaths.

We reunite with Joey on the streets of New York City, where he's... somehow alive? Yep, apparently he's the sole survivor of Kira's birthday crew. (Thank you, seat 13F!) He's now arriving at a spooky Manhattan apartment building, where he's been hired as the caretaker of — you guessed it — the mysterious old man, who just so happens to live on the 13th floor of the building. Constance welcomes Joey to the old man's apartment exactly how you'd expect, casually defending that "misunderstood" Judas and recalling her father's prejudice towards Italians. You know, small talk.

Constance then introduces Ben to his 87-year-old client, "Mr. Nas," who has a peculiar list of demands for his caretakers. For one thing, his shady doctor (played by legendary filmmaker John Waters) draws 13 vials of blood a week — which he keeps in the same bag as his collection of living snakes, of course. His contract also demands incredibly thorough sponge baths, finally giving Lange a chance to yell "butt hole!" on screen. That's got to be a career first, right?

The sponge bath may not be a pleasant experience, but it is an illuminating one — and not just about Mr. Nas' very specific bath-time kinks. Constance mentions to Ben that all of her children are "alive and thriving," which should come as a surprise to longtime "AHS" viewers; Constance had several children throughout her life, but as far as we know, they're all extremely dead.

On the topic of Mr. Nas, Constance says he wasn't abandoned by his family. In fact, he's apparently beloved by many. "Praise his name and what he has done for the world!" she says, all but confirming that this guy must be the "ultimate evil" Ryan Murphy has been teasing.

Episode 2 opens on another cozy sponge bath for Mr. Nas, giving Ben a chance to get further acquainted with the old man's totally normal body parts. (Gotta wash between those cloven hooves!) At this point, any normal person would get the heck out of there, which makes us think one of two things — either Ben isn't normal, or he doesn't have a choice. Either option is entirely possible in this world.

Curious about Mr. Nas' prized painting of The Last Supper, which Constance claims to be the original, Ben embarks on an incredibly lazy AI search journey, feverishly learning everything he possibly can about the number 13 until he literally can't breathe anymore.

As if that isn't enough of a circus for you, the episode then takes us to a literal clown school, where a passionate professor (played by Tig Notaro) is pontificating on the timeless art of clownery. But no one is laughing upon the arrival of Twisty the Clown (John Carrol Lynch), the menacing, clown-faced serial killer first introduced in "American Horror Story: Freak Show." In typical Twisty fashion, he leaves no body un-stabbed, no face un-carved, and no Tig Notaros left standing. Just like the plane crash in Episode 1, this mass murder — of 13 people, of course — appears to feed Mr. Nas, who once again vomits up a bunch of black, viscous liquid in response.

Ben once again shares his concerns about Mr. Nas with Constance, this time over a nice cup of Sanka, but she explains away the old man's occasional black vomit as an ulcer that never healed, which is supposedly common in his line of work. "When you've had the kind of career Mr. Nas has had, the daily stresses come with the territory," she says. (Come to think of it, did Constance ever say what Mr. Nas did for a living?)

To distract Ben from further talk of Mr. Nas, Constance shares her own story of how she came to be a caretaker. It all started when her husband had an affair with their maid — referring to Moira O'Hara, played by Alexandra Breckenridge and Frances Conroy at different ages in "Murder House" and "Apocalypse" — and she decided to do something meaningful with her life, becoming a candy striper.

Constance also admits to being "emotionally absent" with her children (holy understatement!), and she believed that helping others might be her penance. Ben is understandably confused, as Constance previously told him that her children are all "alive and thriving." (Hmm!) As if Ben needs one more reason to check the wanted ads, he learns that Mr. Nas' previous caretaker, a woman named Rosalind Myers, took her own life.

The next time we see Constance, she's sharing festive cookies with her daughter Adelaide (Jamie Brewer), aka Addie, who died more than a decade ago on Halloween. "It's good to be back, isn't it?" Constance asks Addie. "And who knew a little dirt nap would be so beneficial to a young girl's complexion?"

Constance and Addie may be celebrating Christmas, but this is still "AHS," so the holidays look a little different. Take, for example, the Langdon family's black Christmas tree, which is adorned with a pentagram. God bless us, everyone. And because we can think of no greater Christmas gift than two Evan Peters, Constance is joined by her son Tate (Peters' "Murder House" character), as well as Kai Anderson (Peters' "Cult" persona), to help trim the tree.

The episode ends with the arrival of Kai's sister Winter (Billie Lourd's "Cult" character), and she's brought along a plus-one who has Constance's undivided attention.

The world's darkest Christmas party continues in Episode 3 with the unveiling of Winter's mysterious plus-one — it's Elizabeth Short (Mena Suvari), a real-life murder victim who previously appeared in "Murder House" and "Apocalypse." Constance recognizes her immediately, telling Elizabeth that she'll soon be "one of 13 leading ladies, all as legendary as you are."

For those viewers who didn't rewatch "Murder House" in preparation for Season 13, Constance takes it upon herself to educate Elizabeth on the nature of her demise. Elizabeth recalls being brutally mutilated in the manor... following by blackness... followed by suddenly being alive again, now in a graveyard surrounded by mist. The locals turned her away, but an unexpected bus ticket gifted anonymously by Constance led Elizabeth to New York, and the rest is history.

Their festive evening is interrupted by Ben, who reads Constance the riot act for throwing a party in Mr. Nas' apartment. Constance calms him down with another drink, only this one puts him in a trance-like state. After a quick speech about the tragedy of mediocrity, Constance promises that Ben will know exactly who he is by the time he wakes up.

Constance heads off to bed herself, while the younger partygoers relocate to a second venue, one aptly referred to as "Club Hell." Before the group departs, however, Constance whispers some very ominous words to Tate: "You do your part down there, and there's a special place for us in the future. ... You were always my favorite. ... Sacrifices must be made." It just gets worse as it goes on.

After a quick elevator ride, including some fun banter between Evan Peters' two personas, Elizabeth learns that the Apollyon — the building in which Mr. Nas resides — is a portal to hell. And who better to relay this information before the episode smashes to black than Wilhemina Venable, Sarah Paulson's character "American Horror Story: Apocalypse."

OK, let's talk: How are you feeling about "American Horror Story: 13" after these first three episodes? Is the season meeting your lofty expectations thus far? And what are your theories about where this is all headed? Grade the three-part premiere in our poll below, then drop a comment with more of your thoughts.